The Devil's Advocate #3

expired rations and a side of pisswater

hey everyone, karma here. i like to help people, so we’re running it. keep in mind, none of this is legal advice or financial advice. all i am is a savant who enjoys problem solving

reward me for solving your problems

right then

let’s fuckin get it

1. how do I stay not sad? I feel good and then it goes boom again and I dislike this

   hello, momnah

   sadandslutty⭐️

   y’know what? fair question. i’d focus on what makes you feel good, though if you go back to evil guy one or two. i’m gonna shoot you. i personally used to engage in narcotics to feel that way, or mindless sex with strangers (something i know you’re familiar with), but really, just talk to people you care about and do things you like to do. really that simple

2. people who you trust with your stories and insecurities and they end up making fun of it infront of people to laugh (don’t mention me pls)

   murder.

   that’s it.

   that’s the solution.

   gory cold blooded murder.

   in all seriousness, they’ve done you a favour. your embarrassment is temporary, and now you know they’re scummy pieces of shit. fuck them. and it’s a lesson i’ve had to learn the hard way, can’t trust everyone. you can barely trust anyone. find people you can trust.

3. I think I’m still in love with my ex. Which is ironic, since I cheated on my current boyfriend with him, but there’s months since we last spoke.

   i’ve spoken to you in private about this issue, but just for the giggles, i think it’s worth mentioning that if you murdered them both, and focused on you for a bit, would do wonders, darling

   1. INTERMEZZO PSA: MURDER IS OFTEN A HIGHLY EFFECTIVE IF NOT LOOKED DOWN UPON SOCIALLY PRACTICE FOR SOLVING YOUR PROBLEMS

      wha? who said that?

      anyways

4. my substack crush doesn’t love me back what do i do

   fuck you.

   no, seriously

   fuck you.

   you’ve given me a problem murder can’t fix

   more fish in the sea, yadda yadda yadda, but in all seriousness, become friends with this person and maybe then the crush will like you back. if nothing else, shoot the motherfuckers who date your crush until you’re the last viable option. and if the issue is you, go work on yourself dude.

5. uhhh send money

   hi, isadora ✶

   no

   only because i know you’re gonna spend it all on sephora

this has been karma. next one out tomozz. you know what to do, playboy. hit the button for more

reward me for solving your problems